Class is now in session...

Ok, now here's a post dedicated especially for my best friend. [This is not meant to offend, just bring humor to our lives. Therefore, you can't hold any of this against me either because it wasn't directed towards any one person, and if you are offended, take B-6. You just may have a hormonal inbalance.]

Alright class today we will be learning the difference between sarcasm and wittiness. Now before you ask me the question, "Aren't they the same thing?" think about what I just said and stop yourself from self-inflicting mockery. Obviously there is a difference, because today we are going to learn about that difference. Or how about this? You might already know that there's a difference but still can't detect it in normal conversations. If that's you, don't worry, you will appreciate the fine art of placing a witty comment in a normal conversation soon enough. Now, lets get started!

First of all, let's see what the lovely people at Encarta have to say about the whole thing shall we?

Wit or Witty: adjective
1. using words cleverly: using words in an apt, clever, and amusing way
2. cleverly done: strikingly clever, stylish, or original in design or execution

Sarcasm: noun
cutting language: remarks that mean the opposite of what they seem to say and are intended to mock or deride.

Ok, lets get the first major difference out of the way. To be witty, you must be intellegent or at least show intellegence. To be sarcastic, you really only have to say the opposite of what you mean and change your voice a little to sound like you're joking. It really involves no intellegence whatsoever. The people who are always sarcastic but not witty are the ones who get the letters in the mail saying "We regret to inform you that, due to the rising demand of smart people, you are no longer apart of the [insert any organization that requires you to be intellegent]."

The second thing you must be aware of, is that to be witty, you must be quick on your feet. When you were little, do you remember how kids would say "THINK FAST!" and then throw something at you and then expect you to catch it? Well, to throw a witty remark in a conversation you have to be able to "THINK FAST!" If you can think fast and say something clever and the other person doesn't catch it or understand, it's ok. It just means you're cooler than they are, or you're just older and threw in some heinous reference to a commercial that aired in like 1952 when you're talking to an 8-year-old boy. If that's the case, then my advise to you is to find people your own age. They'll understand more.

Now we're going to talk about practical application. It's going to be just like church. To understand how to use these two humorous verbal tools, you must first have guidlines because you're not going to use a hammer to cut through plywood are you? No, you're not. If these tools are used wrong, it's not going to work and you're not going to sound funny. People may laugh at you but not because of the funny thing you just said.

1. If you try to be sarcastic too much, no one will think it's funny anymore. If you eat too much chocolate, you will get sick to your stomach. People will get sick of your sarcasm so place it in a conversation when people least expect it. You'll get alot of blank stares like "are you joking me right now?" but once you tell them you're joking, they'll appreciate it.
2. There is a time and place for everything. You shouldn't joke (be sarcastic) about death at a funeral. You know what I mean?
3. Brush up on your references. They come in handy during conversations, and make you look smart and witty and funny. For example: someone says something stupid about loving the environment or something like that. You could say "Are you going to vote for Nader too?" or something to that extent. The faster you are, the funnier it seems.]
4. If they don't laugh at your references, try a different type of references. Instead of politics, try pop culture. I doens't really matter, just as long as it's relevant to the conversation in some way. Don't try to be random and say something that has no thread of relativeness to the conversation. Because no one will think that it's funny, unless they're intoxicated.
5. DO NOT say that you're so witty after you just pulled the sarcasm card because either people will think you're stupid if they already know the difference or you'll confuse even more people. And we don't want that to happen, now do we??

Ok kids, those are the rules. Yes, they are rules because we are not on a pirate ship. Guideline is to broad of a word. [If you didn't catch it, that was a reference to Pirates of the Caribbean when the captain is talking about how "The Code" is more of a guideline that rules] Now, spread the word and don't be to mean to people. Class dismissed.