The Clincher

So, it's been a while but I feel like i just need to write. It's going to be one of those cleansing things I guess. If you want to know what's going on in my life, that sucks because no specifics will be mentioned, hopefully. Emotions have been hitting hard in the last week or so. All sorts of emotions. It's probably because of an even that is going on this week that my church is having. Spiritual warfare and fun stuff like that. Therefore, you may not hold anything I write against me.


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

So, I'm writing this as Chevelle (see video above) serenades me in the background. If you know who Chevelle is, congratulations, you're now cool. Other than you being cool, you'll also know that they aren't soft, flowery music. As I listen to this I realize how weird my musical choices are timing wise. For instance, when I'm sad the music I use to cheer myself up is most likely Emo (sad, depressing). For some reason it snaps me back into a good mood. When I'm angry I listen to something with screaming and a heavy guitar. Now, I still love both of these types of music anyways just for my listening pleasure, but it seems to me that I generally listen to them more when you would think that I shouldn't.

Now lets get down to the nitty gritty. Love, Hate, Joy, Sorrow, Excitement, Dread. It's a weird feeling having all of those go through you at once. Each emotion and it's opposite at the same time. How does that happen you ask? I'm not quite sure yet. Being excited for something but dreading getting let down. Loving someone yet hating their actions. Being happy for a friend and sad for yourself.

All of these things were stuff that Tom talked about on Sunday. It was good to know that this wasn't just me. All these random things just started happening that made it seem like everything was falling apart (as much as my life can actually do that, I think I have it pretty good). But you know how teenage girls are, everything's a catastrophe...

And if you didn't know me, then you would've thought that I'm one of those teenage girls.. Too bad most things don't bother me anymore. I pretty much don't care about my respectability anymore. Lynda is to blame for that.. Thank you Lynda, my life is so much more fun now... But what I do care about is my freedom. I've never liked the feeling that I'm being squeezed or pushed or "boxed-in". Physically or spiritually. Sometimes both will happen at once. Lately it's been more of a physical one. I completely hate it and yet there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. If I speak up, the amount of freedom I have diminishes. If I stay silent, usually nothing happens, I have the same amount of freedom as before or somehow I get less freedom. Neither one is very fun. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. So, I do nothing. I just sit and wait it out.

Wait. I hate to wait, for most things actually. It's so hard, but I hear that it's fulfilling. I'm not sure I've experienced that yet. So far this summer I've waited for... hmm... ah, yes. The roadtrip. Me and my best friend have wanted to take a road trip to a specific place all summer. It looked like it was going to happen and then two days before it was called off. That was fun. So now we're planning on it again for next weekend. I sure hope it happens because we've been waiting for this for a few months now.

This reminds me of a boy. I liked him for a very long time. Like two years I think. That's long for a teenage girl who knew that it was never going to happen and yet still held onto hope. I've constantly ask myself why I waited for so long because I see now that it would've never worked and on top of it, it just would've been kind of weird... But then I thought, maybe it was to distract me from something or someone else that wouldn't have been good for me. If that's the case then, God, You're halarious! And I know He's halarious anyways. He told me jokes in a dream one time. I woke up the next morning and my Abs hurt. Hmmm....

So, this is the end of my long winded story/explaination/rabbit trail. I might have made myself look bad but sometimes things need to come out so they can't be held over your head. I hope there was some wit added in there for a few laughs, but I honestly don't remember what I wrote. All I know is that it's almost 2 am and that I'm feeling much better.

Thanks Chevelle!