Beauty Box

I've realized that I have this weird standard for beauty. It's not high, nor is it low, it's just kind of awkward. Like, the things and people I find beautiful are not the normal prom king and queen of the highschool. They're usually the people that when someone says "they're beautiful" everyone is kind of thrown off because no one has put this kind of beauty into their "beauty boxes" before. Ha, you find a new box every day. Anyways, I didn't so much expand my "beauty box" but more shift it's focus. Let me give some examples and then you'll understand fully what I mean. (by the way, I tried to put pictures up but they wouldn't load so I decided on videos instead.)

Example #1:
Ever heard of Showbread? Well, they're a pretty cool band that I listen to. It's true. I talk a lot abou the music I listen to because music has encompassed almost every part of my life. Not in the form of me playing it, but more me listening. Mmhmm. Back to beauty. Josh Dies is the vocalist of this band. Basically, he's in my beauty box. Watch the video below with an open mind and don't make fun of me (or him) too much. He's the white guy with a telephone and shorts.

Showbread - Oh! Emetaphobia!

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Example #2:
Here's with more music. Christian Lindskog of Blindside... Into the Box he goes.

Blindside - All of Us

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Example #3:
Any indie girl. I think girl that are Indie are completely cute. I love it so much. BEAUTY BOX! HOORAY!


Example #4:
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Yeah, they're their own sentance. They deserve it. They are all beauties, but especially Ronnie Winter (lead vocals). He's basically amazing.

Face Down - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

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Now, I think I have given ample proof of my misshapen box. But honestly, I think my box looks better than yours. I guess that's just how my perception of beauty goes. Sorry.

Oh! Blessed Technology!

Friday night was the night. Yes, it was friday that I got onto my computor after a weird day and proceeded to write a blog. It was a good blog, the story type. Fictional, you should know. It was beautiful and ugly and sad and happy all in one, paradoxical and all. I was so proud of this little story and was very excited about posting it. At the top of it, I had put in a music player. When I went to post this sucker, it gave an error message and said there was something wrong with the code for the music player. So I go to erase it and I notice that when I got the error message, my beautiful story had been erased. Yes, it's true. It is no more. Instead I typed out the key points and phrases I used so I can rewrite it later when I am inspired to do so. This time I'll type it on a Word document so I will not be overtaken by the Oh! Blessed Technology! But allow me to give a preview of this blessed event... which does not include birth of any kind.

"In the words of Dane Cook "Let's Tarantino it." You've just been drop kicked by the goalie of Manchester United. Let's go back and find out why you were drop kicked by the goalie of Manchester United. You're walking down the street. The sky grows dark and it begins to rain. You thought you'd would've made it home to beat the weather. You didn't."

An Abstract Being

Let's be straight forward today. I'm diggin' this whole growing up thing. I find it to be rather obnoxious. Can't I just skip to Jesus? That'd be a whole lot easier and way more enjoyable. And who came up with this weather? It's overcast but still sunny and the clouds are white. Why can't the weather make up its mind? Either be sunny, or rainy. If it's going to be overcast there needs to be dark clouds. This inbetween stuff gets me into a funk. I don't want to do my homework, nothing sounds interesting... I seem to be in a place of discontentment and I'm not sure what I want that would make me content. This weather.... not funny God.... not funny.

I've noticed that I say things like that all the time. Yeah, it's because God likes to do things that just make my life halarious. Seriously, He's a witty one, very clever.... very clever. When something ironic happens I always look up and say "yeah, good one... you're halarious." It used to only be when I was with my best friend but I've noticed myself doing that in the middle of a conversation at school and everyone around me just kind of looks at me and I respond with "What? God likes to make my life halarious. I just thought I'd let him know that I noticed."

None of that had anything to do with anything. Abstract thoughts. Wow. Seriously, this weather.

On the up side, I'm going to see Employee of the Month later on after watching Gilmore Girls with my best friend.

Actually, I think I'll write about her right now. Ok, so I have this friend and she's halarious and witty and just like me down to the music we like and the words that we say. I'm really not sure what I'd do without her. She keeps me in check, she laughs at my jokes, she understands my humor, she listens to all the same weird bands that I listen to, she helps me get through those awkward moments when you just want to run away and hide becuase you just feel weird, she's amazing. We watch Gilmore Girls together, we do everything together. Not literally everything, but you get the point. Thank you God for putting her on the earth, otherwise I wouldn't have anyone to finish my sentances.

Thank you and goodnight ladies and gentlemen. That is my blog of abstractness.

Seventeen Ain't So Sweet...

Ok guys, the other day I was completely awkstruck because I was listening to one of my most favorite bands, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, on the internet and I noticed that they had a new song up. Being the cool person that I am, I decided to listen to it. And then I noticed that they had lyrics posted for it as well. Before I go on, I'd just like to say that I'm a sucker for lyrics and that The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus does an amazing job with theirs.

Alrighty, on with it! So I turn the song on and read the title of the song. It's called "Seventeen Ain't So Sweet." At that point I'm like whoa boy, I have to listen to this one. So I start to listen, it's got a good beat, nice melody, beautiful vocals, but then I read the lyrics and I am speechless. I literally sat at my computor with a dumbfounded look on my face. I didn't even have to see myself and I knew that I was dumbfounded. And then I tell my friend about this song and how it's exactly me at this point in my life. So she reads the lyrics and her reaction was something like this, "Yeah at first I thought that it sounded like it could be both of us and then it got to the seventeen part and I just sat there in amazement." Basically that's all that needs to be said, except for the actual lyrics of course. And here they are:

Seventeen Ain't So Sweet - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Well she never was the best
At following the trends
Stayed one step above the rest
Even though it seemed
Like the world was crashing on her
Didn't let it hold her down
Didn't hold her back oh no

Don't worry you'll show them

chorus:
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn
Until you're heard, you're heard

Seventeen is just a test
And I would recommend
That you live with no regrets
Even if it seems
Like the world is crashing on you
Shouldn't let it hold you down
Shouldn't hold you back oh no

Don't worry you'll show them

(chorus)

Relax girl, turn down the lights
Or no one can see you shining
Relax girl, it'll be alright
No one can stop you if you try

The point of rhythm is to follow it in time
So listen to the beating in your mind
Remember if you seek then you shall find

(chorus)


Have an amazing night and if you wanted to listen to the song go to http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=4654367. They're amazing.

Peace.

Wierd Kid.

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OK, so I am sad because sunday Bradley Hathaway (see above) is going to be in Spokane and I am not. Because of school... That's the worst thing, it's because of school. School seems to be getting in the way a lot lately. It's true, I'm voting that I can just be done with school right now. Bring it on, I am ready for summer. I am ready to no longer be held down by the prison they like to call highschool. I feel like I graduated at least 2 years ago so it's weird to be in a highschool building again. I don't like it. I'm also ready for this American Lit. class to be done. I'm not homophobic, but seriously, I'm not gunna go out and look for a gay teacher. Too bad the one I picked just happened to like boys. The other problem with this class is that I don't read a lot because I don't enjoy it unless Ted Dekker wrote it. Meaning... I'm a week behind in the reading.
Next item up for bid. Um... me and my best friend planned all week to watch the season premere of Gilmore Girls together today because she was going to record it and today was the only time we could get together. So, I get to her house and we sit down and it said it only recorded 10 minutes. So, basically we watched 10 minutes of Gilmore Girls and I have no idea what happened and it saddened me deeply.
Number three. I just feel weird. That's about it.

That's Life Babe...

I think it's time for a blog. I can always tell because I'll feel slightly overloaded with whatever and have the urge to go run really really fast. So, I'll write this and then take a quick run. It seems like everything came down upon me during the first week of school and I've been able to hold it all quite well until now.

Let's talk about school. Actually, I'll talk you read. So, I just now realized the weight of my decisions. I'm taking one class at my high school in the morning, then I go straight to the college for American Literature, Art History, Sociology, and finally Health and Wellness. That comes to 5 classes altogether. 4 college classes and 1 highschool class. I feel a little overloaded you could say.

Now it's time for my social life. Over the summer, me and my best friend practically spend every waking (and sometimes sleeping) hour together. But once school started she started volleyball and afterschool practices. All freetime was then used towards homework and volleyball so the only time we really see each other is the 5 minutes between the time my class gets out and hers starts and some time during the weekend. So I've pretty much traded my best friend in the world for school. Yeah, sounds like a good trade to me...

Then, on top of everything else in my life, there's this boy... stupid boy... unbelievable. I'm not gunna go into detail, because at this point in time, I'm not ready to and it's not worth my energy.

Now, let's be democrats and recount my life.. 5 hard classes, best friend gone M.I.A., boy that's there... but not really. For my 17-year-old body, that's a lot. I mean, I had more life experience by my freshmen year than many people in their 20's had. So, I'm pretty sure I can handle this. But then I look back and remember what happened in my freshman year and think "The only way I got through that was because Jesus was my only friend." So now I have my answer. The only way I can get through these next couple months without completely and totally breaking down is the love I've discovered for Jesus. It seems like every day I experience more love in new ways. Instead of sleeping through these next few months, I think I'll dance through them, with more passion than ever because I know that this is only a season. Soon enough the leaves will be gone, snow will come, and all will be well.

Leviathan..

I now despise all things not written in MODERN ENGLISH. Yes, this is an ignorant statement to make but at the moment, it's completely what I'm feeling. I have to read a few sections of Thomas Hobbes' Leviathan for my government class... Not cool... I can't really understand what exactly he's saying but I get the general idea. Too bad my teacher is not looking for the general idea or I would've have even bothered to read it. It's about the equality of men but my teachers wants us to go into more detail and come up with questions about the article tomorrow that either dispute or help ideas that Hobbes wrote. At this point, I don't even care what he's saying except for the fact that part of my grade hangs in the balance of whether or not I can make a valid statement in the discussion tomorrow. Right now I'm counting on the fact that it's a public school and I'm the only running start student in it so no one else is going to understand what the heck this guy is saying. Unbelievable *slaps Don's face*...

Class is now in session...

Ok, now here's a post dedicated especially for my best friend. [This is not meant to offend, just bring humor to our lives. Therefore, you can't hold any of this against me either because it wasn't directed towards any one person, and if you are offended, take B-6. You just may have a hormonal inbalance.]

Alright class today we will be learning the difference between sarcasm and wittiness. Now before you ask me the question, "Aren't they the same thing?" think about what I just said and stop yourself from self-inflicting mockery. Obviously there is a difference, because today we are going to learn about that difference. Or how about this? You might already know that there's a difference but still can't detect it in normal conversations. If that's you, don't worry, you will appreciate the fine art of placing a witty comment in a normal conversation soon enough. Now, lets get started!

First of all, let's see what the lovely people at Encarta have to say about the whole thing shall we?

Wit or Witty: adjective
1. using words cleverly: using words in an apt, clever, and amusing way
2. cleverly done: strikingly clever, stylish, or original in design or execution

Sarcasm: noun
cutting language: remarks that mean the opposite of what they seem to say and are intended to mock or deride.

Ok, lets get the first major difference out of the way. To be witty, you must be intellegent or at least show intellegence. To be sarcastic, you really only have to say the opposite of what you mean and change your voice a little to sound like you're joking. It really involves no intellegence whatsoever. The people who are always sarcastic but not witty are the ones who get the letters in the mail saying "We regret to inform you that, due to the rising demand of smart people, you are no longer apart of the [insert any organization that requires you to be intellegent]."

The second thing you must be aware of, is that to be witty, you must be quick on your feet. When you were little, do you remember how kids would say "THINK FAST!" and then throw something at you and then expect you to catch it? Well, to throw a witty remark in a conversation you have to be able to "THINK FAST!" If you can think fast and say something clever and the other person doesn't catch it or understand, it's ok. It just means you're cooler than they are, or you're just older and threw in some heinous reference to a commercial that aired in like 1952 when you're talking to an 8-year-old boy. If that's the case, then my advise to you is to find people your own age. They'll understand more.

Now we're going to talk about practical application. It's going to be just like church. To understand how to use these two humorous verbal tools, you must first have guidlines because you're not going to use a hammer to cut through plywood are you? No, you're not. If these tools are used wrong, it's not going to work and you're not going to sound funny. People may laugh at you but not because of the funny thing you just said.

1. If you try to be sarcastic too much, no one will think it's funny anymore. If you eat too much chocolate, you will get sick to your stomach. People will get sick of your sarcasm so place it in a conversation when people least expect it. You'll get alot of blank stares like "are you joking me right now?" but once you tell them you're joking, they'll appreciate it.
2. There is a time and place for everything. You shouldn't joke (be sarcastic) about death at a funeral. You know what I mean?
3. Brush up on your references. They come in handy during conversations, and make you look smart and witty and funny. For example: someone says something stupid about loving the environment or something like that. You could say "Are you going to vote for Nader too?" or something to that extent. The faster you are, the funnier it seems.]
4. If they don't laugh at your references, try a different type of references. Instead of politics, try pop culture. I doens't really matter, just as long as it's relevant to the conversation in some way. Don't try to be random and say something that has no thread of relativeness to the conversation. Because no one will think that it's funny, unless they're intoxicated.
5. DO NOT say that you're so witty after you just pulled the sarcasm card because either people will think you're stupid if they already know the difference or you'll confuse even more people. And we don't want that to happen, now do we??

Ok kids, those are the rules. Yes, they are rules because we are not on a pirate ship. Guideline is to broad of a word. [If you didn't catch it, that was a reference to Pirates of the Caribbean when the captain is talking about how "The Code" is more of a guideline that rules] Now, spread the word and don't be to mean to people. Class dismissed.

I will not surrender.

WAR

noun (plural wars)
Definition:

1. armed fighting between groups: a period of hostile relations between countries, states, or factions that leads to fighting between armed forces, especially in land, air, or sea battles
The two countries are at war.

2. period of armed fighting: a period of armed conflict between countries or groups
during the Vietnam War

3. methods of warfare: the techniques or the study of the techniques of armed conflict

4. conflict: a serious struggle, argument, or conflict between people
The candidates are at war.

5. serious effort to end something: an effort to combat or eradicate something harmful
a war against drugs

WAR DANCE

noun
Definition:

dance before or after battle: a dance performed as a ceremony before a battle or to celebrate victory, e.g. by Native North Americans

• For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 (NLT)

I want to encourage all those who are reading this to remember that the things that are happening may seem like they are coming from man, but you need to realize that it is the enemy working through situations and strongholds to make you want to give up. Pray through it. War through it. Dance through it. Just don't give up. God is not surprised by anything. I'm pretty sure "oops" is not in His vocabulary.

The Clincher

So, it's been a while but I feel like i just need to write. It's going to be one of those cleansing things I guess. If you want to know what's going on in my life, that sucks because no specifics will be mentioned, hopefully. Emotions have been hitting hard in the last week or so. All sorts of emotions. It's probably because of an even that is going on this week that my church is having. Spiritual warfare and fun stuff like that. Therefore, you may not hold anything I write against me.


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So, I'm writing this as Chevelle (see video above) serenades me in the background. If you know who Chevelle is, congratulations, you're now cool. Other than you being cool, you'll also know that they aren't soft, flowery music. As I listen to this I realize how weird my musical choices are timing wise. For instance, when I'm sad the music I use to cheer myself up is most likely Emo (sad, depressing). For some reason it snaps me back into a good mood. When I'm angry I listen to something with screaming and a heavy guitar. Now, I still love both of these types of music anyways just for my listening pleasure, but it seems to me that I generally listen to them more when you would think that I shouldn't.

Now lets get down to the nitty gritty. Love, Hate, Joy, Sorrow, Excitement, Dread. It's a weird feeling having all of those go through you at once. Each emotion and it's opposite at the same time. How does that happen you ask? I'm not quite sure yet. Being excited for something but dreading getting let down. Loving someone yet hating their actions. Being happy for a friend and sad for yourself.

All of these things were stuff that Tom talked about on Sunday. It was good to know that this wasn't just me. All these random things just started happening that made it seem like everything was falling apart (as much as my life can actually do that, I think I have it pretty good). But you know how teenage girls are, everything's a catastrophe...

And if you didn't know me, then you would've thought that I'm one of those teenage girls.. Too bad most things don't bother me anymore. I pretty much don't care about my respectability anymore. Lynda is to blame for that.. Thank you Lynda, my life is so much more fun now... But what I do care about is my freedom. I've never liked the feeling that I'm being squeezed or pushed or "boxed-in". Physically or spiritually. Sometimes both will happen at once. Lately it's been more of a physical one. I completely hate it and yet there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. If I speak up, the amount of freedom I have diminishes. If I stay silent, usually nothing happens, I have the same amount of freedom as before or somehow I get less freedom. Neither one is very fun. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. So, I do nothing. I just sit and wait it out.

Wait. I hate to wait, for most things actually. It's so hard, but I hear that it's fulfilling. I'm not sure I've experienced that yet. So far this summer I've waited for... hmm... ah, yes. The roadtrip. Me and my best friend have wanted to take a road trip to a specific place all summer. It looked like it was going to happen and then two days before it was called off. That was fun. So now we're planning on it again for next weekend. I sure hope it happens because we've been waiting for this for a few months now.

This reminds me of a boy. I liked him for a very long time. Like two years I think. That's long for a teenage girl who knew that it was never going to happen and yet still held onto hope. I've constantly ask myself why I waited for so long because I see now that it would've never worked and on top of it, it just would've been kind of weird... But then I thought, maybe it was to distract me from something or someone else that wouldn't have been good for me. If that's the case then, God, You're halarious! And I know He's halarious anyways. He told me jokes in a dream one time. I woke up the next morning and my Abs hurt. Hmmm....

So, this is the end of my long winded story/explaination/rabbit trail. I might have made myself look bad but sometimes things need to come out so they can't be held over your head. I hope there was some wit added in there for a few laughs, but I honestly don't remember what I wrote. All I know is that it's almost 2 am and that I'm feeling much better.

Thanks Chevelle!

..."a culture counter-clockwise turned around"...

Island Of The Honest Man
I was picked up and then dropped off in a culture counter-clockwise turned around
Dug a hole in Southern Carolina - took me straight to China safe and sound
Donated my map to the lost and found

While working for a common cause I only got a kamikaze state of mind
This self defeating meeting of the minds is eating what was once so hard to find
But right then the clouds parted in the sky

The horizon took us all a little by surprise
Watch the sky
And as the howling winds subdsided, the locals ran out, all waving their hands and singing:

Welcome to the island of the honest man
Do what you want - there is no need to impress us
Welcome to the island of the honest man
We don't believe in what the big people tell us
Wait here - stay here

I was picked up and then dropped off in a culture counter-clockwise turned around
Rolled a pair of dice in Paris that got me to paradise all safe and sound.

Stole my temper back from the lost and found
No longer needed to be seated on a sinking ship just waiting there to drown
Jump off now - jump off now

And as they lead us to their village, a thousand voices all started to sing out loud:
Welcome to the island of the honest man
Do what you want - there is no need to impress us
Welcome to the island of the honest man
We don't believe in what the big people tell us
Wait here - stay here

From the sunrise up above to the sunset below, they all sing
Welcome in, welcome back, well come on let's go
And all the people on the island they already know why they sing
Welcome in, welcome back, well come on let's go
From the sunrise up above to the sunset below, they all sing
Welcome in, welcome back, well come on let's go
And all the people on the island they all want to show why they sing, why they sing, why they sing, why they're singing

Welcome to the island of the honest man
Do what you want - there is no need to impress us
Welcome to the island of the honest man
We don't believe in what the big people tell us
Welcome to the island of the honest man

This is the island of the honest man
Welcome to the island of the honest man
This is the island of the honest man
Wait here - stay here

I was picked up and then dropped off in a culture counter-clockwise turned around


Ha, I love this song... It's called Island of the Honest Man by Hot Hot Heat. I immediately thought of my church. Especially the "there's no need to impress us" part. It's super upbeat and all happy like you'd want to dance to it but it's not "pop" music. I'd rather pull out all my hair... It's just good clean fun music. OY!

Off to 'nam!

As you grow up there are many decisions that must be made in your life. What hairstyle you should choose for your face shape. The pink top or the blue one? Should I go with open-toed heals or rounded toed flats for prom? All great questions that require thoughtfulness and a brutaly honest best friend, but no question is quite like "where should I go to college?"

It's a scary question that has many other questions built into it. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to live? How much money can you afford to pay for tuition? What academic level are you at so you know what school's you should aim for. Co-ed or gender discriminate? Junior college or University?

I think I can really only answer two of those questions at the moment. First, I will go to a co-ed school. None of this all girl crap. I don't get along with girls very easily. I only have 9 friends that are girls total, the rest are guys. I have a lot of friends. The other answer I have is that whatever school I go to will be a university. Next year I'll be graduating from a community college... so that knocks out the whole 'live at home for a few more years and get your general degree first'. Ha, can't fool me with that one.

Now, what do I want to do with my life? Well, I have this thing with designing T-Shirts which would involve a lot of graphic design except for the fact that I've never used any graphic design software EVER. I use paper and pencil. But Graphic Design is not out of the question yet. The next possibility is Fashion Design. You get to actually draw on paper your designs but I don't have a ton of experience with actually making the clothes. I've made a few dresses and purses but that's about it. More experience there than in graphic design but my sewing machine's broken for now so we'll have to wait that one out too. The last two options are not holding ground very well. I wanted to do Interior Design for a while but I'm bored of it now. I've redesigned a couple rooms in my house but I no longer have a desire to do that every day of my life. The last is architecture. This is only a possibility because of the salary. I'd get to draw, but I don't know much about it so, that's almost out.

You see my problem? I'll have a general degree after this year so I need to go into something more specified now.

Yes, I've thought about taking a year off, but I honestly don't think I'll want to go back to school if I do that.

This is making me very tired. I'm fighting the urge to take a sleeping pill that will knock me out for about 3 years so I wake up just in time to get married.

I also want to live in London for a year or so at some point during my college experience.

How any of this is going to work out.. I don't know. Until then, I'll keep debating over what prom dress is right for me.

No Munching!

I just got back from the beach for the Fourth. It was pretty sweet I guess. The best part was that I got to spend like 6 days straight with my best friend, and we're not sick of each other yet either. Crazy, I know. While we were there we practicaly lived in this little coffee shop called Bella's. It's so much better than Starbucks. Well, right next to this place is one of those tourist shops that have "funny" tee-shirts and nicknacks. One of the days we were there, my friend decides to go into this place and look at the shirts to see if there were any funny ones. Ha, the best one that we found said:

"I used to go skinny dipping. Now I go chunky dunking."

The runner up went something like this:

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?"

So, that was the whole point of this blog. To tell everyone who reads this about these funny shirt that I saw. And to say, 'How does Sweden sound to you?'

More Paradoxes.

Stupid.

No reason for saying that, it just needed to come out I guess. I think I'll stick with writing what needs to come out because if I don't do it now, it'll just come out later right? Right. My mood has been changing every five minutes so the end of this blog could have a completely different tone than the beginning. Well, it makes life interesting right? Right.

I do love Blindside. I bought their Ten Years Running Blind DVD the other day. I've watched it many times already. Not because it's amazing (eventhough it is), but because of one song. Oh my gosh, Jessica is my witness.... Goodness me. I watched the live version of their song About A Burning Fire and I had to fight back the tears. There's a part in the song where the music gets really quiet for about 30 seconds where he sings the words "I thought about a burning fire, I thought about a loving fire. I thought about Your love. I thought about Your love." Now, the song is completely loud and all the words are screamed instead of sung. I mean, honestly, he can do whatever he wants because it's beautiful either way, but during the live version... That 30 second part turned into like a minute or two because they started their own little worship session during one of their most hardcore songs... they just stopped, turned around and stood their with their hands raised singing "I thought about a burning fire, I thought about a love fire, I thought about Your love. I thought about Your love." And then they just started going crazy. It looked like my church on that stage. Whoever tells me Blindside sucks or anything else to that degree, I will slap them across the face and then sit them down and make them watch that video. Yes, I will slap you across the face if I have to.

This is a weird time in my life. I don't know what's going on at all honestly. Like I said before, weird mood swings.. must be menopause. Yeah, cause that's makes so much sense...

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

I really love that song. It's called silence. It's so beautiful.

I know I was made to go up this mountain
Every bone in my body tells me it's right
I know I was made to go up this mountain
But I'm getting scared of heights
Still I'll sleep to the sound of the monsters roar
Cause I'll sleep next to Your heartbeat forever
Sleep right next to Your heartbeat forever

This part in a song called The Endings thoroughly expresses where I am right now, how I feel, and anything else you can imagine. I don't even know what the mountain is, but I know it's there and I'm tired of going around it.

One day this world will see me at the horizon
One day from a distant light
And just before I stand to face my love
I'll turn around
And with a smile I'll say my goodbyes
Just one last goodbye
Goodbye

Sleepwalking. There's two versions, I love both but lately I only listen to the acoustic version. It's so beautiful. Christian Lindskog has a beautiful voice. I love it.

Wait up, don’t you close your eyes
Love has been hidden in the shadow
You’ve got the rope already tied around your neck
One voice whispers life through your sorrow

That's a part from the song called We're All Going To Die. Sounds completely depressing from the title, but if you continued the title as it is in the chorus, it would read "We're all going to die, But we're not all meant to die young."

We are the sons and daughters of a revolution
Revolutionaries walking us out of oppression and into a no-law promised land
Where there is no right or wrong

And this leaves us with a great sense of sadness growing inside our soul
No one can explain where it's coming from
Or where it's taking us

We just know that something is lost

That somehow we are lost

And this, my friend, is the great depression

-The Great Depression-

It's ok if you break
You'll see colors again
This is more than you can take
You'll see colors again
It's your life that's at stake
You'll see colors again
Don't you think it's my time, anytime soon

That's me. Ironically it's called Painting.


Everything that's italicized was written by the boys of Blindside, and almost fully expresses everything that I've been feeling. A lot of interconnected things that have absolutely nothing to do with each other. It's because I'm a paradox. That's how my life goes. Completely random and interesting, not always fun, but interesting. Life. Makes me want to scream. The funny thing is that I was completely happy for about five minutes in the middle of writing this and now I'm in a different mood now. Weird. I don't get it. Something's trying to play with my emotions and I don't appreciate it very much. But I do find it kind of funny.... More paradoxes.

Connection failed.

It's been a while.

School's out for the summer so it's no longer safe to go to the mall without seeing a million people that you know but really don't want to encounter.

Summer may be here, but the cold has not left. If you cannot swim at night, then it's too cold.

Life is changing. People come and people go. There's nothing you can do about it. Might as well get over it. Just let it happen.

I know this kid. His life has been hard. He's pretty cool, but doesn't know it at all. We've become friends. It's pretty sweet. We used to go to school together but I didn't even realize it until he said something about it. My school was miniscule. Like 100 kids in the highschool/middleschool. I didn't even notice him and he is a year younger than me. Why is he all of the sudden in my life now? I have no idea. I don't get it. Why didn't I ever talk to him before? I don't know that either. I met him by "chance". I'm thinking it was a divine appointment. Two weeks before we became friends he tried to commit suicide because he thought that no one would care. I just found that out. It broke my heart. I didn't know that telling him how cool he was meant anything to him, but apparently it does.

I'm getting older, my friends are starting to get married. That's weird. It's kind of freakin me out a bit.

Life is weird. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but all the time weird.

What do our lives on earth look like from heaven? Do our dead relatives really watch us from heaven, assuming that's where they went? Why would they even want to? Why would you want to preoccupy yourself with earth when you're in heaven? I don't even like earth and it's all I know.

Elastic is so weird. It stretches. For some reason I find that completely random.

I'm getting tired of music. All music. Very tired.

I'm learning how to paint with watercolors. I thought that if I learned from someone who knew, then I might like them. Needless to say, I still hate watercolors. Maybe it'll be one of those things you learn to love, like U2.


Nothing that I just wrote seems related in my mind but it's just what decided to come out today. It doesn't make sense to me, just like rap music isn't music.

Yeah! HardXCore!

YES! I just found the video for "We Cry Mercy". I'm thinking you should watch it. And look out for the hardcore dancers, they're awsome.

I like these people, because when I think about hardcore kids and dancers, I always visualize these hardcore dancers going at it before God's throne, abandoning everything with passion and every ounce of energy in their bodies. Yeah, I like it.

We Cry Mercy!

Another look into the musical interests of a girl that goes by the name of Emily... or Shem (interestingly enough, since the ancient hebrew meaning is "Understanding Someone's Mystery") if you're of the Troutman clan.

Today (or tonight) I'm going to show you yet another band.

Now, in case you're wondering, I don't do this to promote bands. There are several that I absolutely love, but their songs don't really shake me up enough to talk about them in depth. Just to let you know...

So today I was driving home from school and I was listening to a cd that my friend had made me. She arranged it so very clever to so that the cd went from soft and loving to faster and more happy to fast and "angry". But the whole thing told a story. It's very cool I must say. But today I was at the end of the cd listening to a song called "We Cry Mercy" by Dear Whoever. Dear whoever is screamo band and I knew they were Christian and all but I never really listened to the words.. maybe because the music was just mediocre... But today was different.

Today I was listening to the song and all of the sudden I just caught a line of the song that goes, "Armour of God protect us as we cry Mercy give us Mercy."

Basically, at that point, I got shivers. I think what attracts me to screamo music is the pure passion/insanity that is released in it. At every part that says "mercy, give us mercy", they're screaming. To me, it's shear desperation. Like when you know you're supposed to go dance but you're afraid to and you have all of this pent up energy that makes you want to explode and yell and scream and fall to your face and cry and then go run like 5 hundred miles. Thats the feeling I get when I hear these bands that I've mentioned so far.

So hear are another set of lyrics for you. Read them over if you wish. They are very, very good. When you read them, think of my generation... Generation "X"...

We've been broken falling out again.

I'll hold my armor close right there next to you.

We will stand, holding ourselves, I need you here and I

need your help

When I look around, there's no one beside me,

all I hear, is my breathing, from my chest,

I'm crawling around, searching...escaping...death... I

will not surrender

Grace bestowed on my heart when we cry Mercy, we cry mercy

Armor of God protect us as we cry Mercy give us Mercy

Grace so lovely pure and holy we cry Mercy we cry mercy

All I needed was you next to me, since this started,

I can't stop bleeding, it's all my fault,

I'll take the blame, you never left and you died for me

My hands are shaking, when I'm scared

All the death around, me help me

This is War

We're at war

Save us from war

Torn by the enemy ripped from my flesh and blood!

In Loving Memory...

About a week ago my Great Uncle Kent passed away in China. What was he doing in China? Well, he worked for the U.S. Government at the embassy doing electrical engineering stuff. He's travelled around the world making sure the Embassies always have power. Him and his wife, Sylvia, haven't lived in the good parts of the world either...

My mom told me a story about my aunt and uncle a few days ago that I thought was totally sweet. Hopefully I can get this right.... So, they used to live in Rwanda when the civil war broke out amonst the citizens. Well, they had evacuated everyone out of the embassy and there were a bunch of marines sent to protect the embassy, but my aunt and uncle had to stay behind to make sure there was power for the marines. So, during this time when the war broke out, there was no communication out of the country except for the marines but my aunt and uncle weren't allowed to use the military's communication, which meant that no one in our family knew if they were even still alive.

One day, the rebels took over a nearby orphanage and the marines had to go rescue the nuns and the orphans and bring them back to the embassy to be airlifted out.

Then, their son, my cousin, was watching CNN.. and who do you think was on tv? My aunt Sylvia. CNN was showing video footage of my aunt helping the nuns and the children get airlifted out. So, my cousin calls the entire family and they all watch in relief that my aunt and uncle are safe.

Then my aunt and uncle finally were able to call from the satellite phone the marines had and when my cousin asked if everything was alright my aunt told him that everything was great but there were a bunch of hungry marines at her table that were ready to be fed.


My uncle was halarious though.

Funerals, in my family, are unorthodox... SHOCKER! Usually, the speakers start with the people who are very serious and will make you sad and then end with the people that have all the funny stories about whomever just passed away.

One of my favorite memories of my Uncle Kent was at my great grandma's (his mother's) funeral. I'm pretty sure he was the last one to say something and when he was done, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.. due to excessive laughter.

He talked about how his mom would always be praying for his "cousin" Bruce. Come to find out that his "cousin" Bruce turned out to be his "brother" Bruce as well... That's right they were cousins and brothers at the same time.

We all should've known that this story was going to be told because Uncle Kent always loved to pull it out on unsuspecting people who didn't fully know the interworkings of our family.

So he tells everyone that his brother was also his cousin without any background info first.

So here's the background he gives us after he tells us the story of his cousin Bruce... You may need to read it over a few times to actually understand it.

-So my Uncle Kent and Grandpa Bruce were brothers.
-They have two sets of grandparents, one on mom's side and one on dad's.
-Grandpa on mom's side and Grandma on dad's side both die.
-Then Grandma on mom's side marries Grandpa on dad's side.
-They do this after Kent and Bruce's parents are married and have kids.
-So, by deductive reasoning, or something like that, Kent and Bruce's mom and dad are technically step brother and sister.
-Making all of their kids technically cousins.

This story is normal for my family, but for everyone else... It's a bit much. But that's how my uncle Kent was, not afraid to be funny.

So, no, no one in my family has an extra toe or anything like that. We like to say that we're just an American family with alot of funny people.

Next time I'll tell you who I get all of my different traits from. I figured it out one day, and I must say... My family is halarious.. I got it from both sides...

In loving memory of Kent Mackabon... You will be missed at all funerals and weddings alike.

Chuck Norris

So, Lately I've noticed a fascination in my generation with Chuck Norris. I think it's because we all grew up with "Walker Texas Ranger" and Chuck Norris always kicking the bad guys butt with a round house to the face. But it's almost strange to me how "popular" Mr. Norris is. It's hysterical actually. To show you what I mean, here are some of the many Chuck Norris jokes I've seen circulating the internet. I've edited them for content and language because, lets be honest, people my age do not have the best track record when it comes to being "clean"... I blame Britney Spears, stupid pop music. If you listen to it long enough it can make anyone go crazy.


Chuck Norris....

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.* (my personal favorite)

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. (Kind of like how Ab Lincoln was born in a log cabin he built with his own two hands..."

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”


What is the fascination with Chuck Norris? Maybe the kids just need someone to look up to but instead they end up mocking him for long periods of time... in love of course. But all of the "mocking" comes out as "CHUCK NORRIS IS AMAZING!" where you know that their halfway kidding halfway not. I don't understand what's so cool I guess, but the jokes are pretty funny.

That is my humerous blog for the week. Maybe I'll end up writing a serious blog one of these days. Or maybe not, we'll see how it goes.

But why???

I'm here to offer you the mysteries of life.. Most of which are totally random.

- Why does the Collesium have the Canadian flag in the middle of the washington state flag and the American flag.. I thought we were in America... Sure, hockey originated in Canada or something like that but did the Expo's (montreal professional baseball team) or the Blue Jays (toronto baseball team) have the American flag in the middle? I don't know.. It's just a mystery of life.

- Why are the weathermen almost always wrong yet dependable? You can basically plan your day around the weather if you think in opposites. If the guy on the tube says they'll be thunderstorms, forget the umbrella at home (unless you're a satanist-Ghost World reference.. stupid movie) because it's going to be a beautiful day! If the man is telling you that it'll be sunny and warm, make sure to bring a jacket wherever you go and maybe a poncho because heavy rainfall is coming your way. Who knows why... I think the weather people should start reporting the opposite of what they think is going to happen, but it might throw off many people like me.

- Why is it that me and my best friend can have the best time in the world, sitting at the park for hours on end, just the two of us because no one else decided to show up? I don't understand it. You would think that we'd feel like losers because everyone loves to ditch us, but it's not so. We just sit there, in the same spot every time, comtemplating what the girl in the white dress was thinking when she went shopping for prom. Another mystery.

- Last summer at the boat races I noticed that many of the girls my age had a thing for not buttoning the first button of their shorts/skirt and then instead rolling it down to show their swimsuit bottoms.. As if to say, "Eventhough I do not a have a shirt on so you can see that I'm wearing a tiny bikini, I would like to show you that I have the bottoms to match." I'm pretty sure we're smart enough to realize that you're wearing a swimsuit from the top, no need to expose yourself to the entire world. It's not like unbuttoning the top button is going to cool you off anymore... I just don't understand it.- Gaucho pants.. that's all I've got to say..

- Why does the ketchup only come out of the glass bottles when you tap on the 57?

- Emo/Punk/Harcore guys who date preppy/abercrombie zombies... The only answer I've found is that they wanted to share pants.

- People in America have selective memory loss.. All I hear is how good our country was doing when Bill Clinton was in office, and then how bad our country is doing now that Bush is president... I don't know if they forgot about Miss Monica or how Bill didn't take out Saddam when he had the chance. Oh yeah, and by the way, in case you were wondering about the "useless" war on Iraq... Can you remember what NYC looked like before September 11th? Just wondering. And I'd like to thank president Nixon for showing us what would happen if we decided to pull out now. Really, I can't explain the phenomenon..

- Why do girls pick out prom dresses that don't flatter their body. It IS a mystery of life. When I was at the park with my friend, we just sat there and a horde of kids on their way to prom came and took pictures, while we sat there. There was a theme that ran through every group. No one looked comfortable in their dresses and they all looked fake. Except for this one couple. My bet was that they were more best friends than a "couple" because they looked so confortable, like they were used to dressing that way. They looked like they stepped right out of the 50's.. almost. Of course there was a modern punky twist on the whole thing, but it was pretty sweet. Are girls ever going to learn that certain dresses just aren't for them?

- Rap music, don't understand it. Well, not true. I get that it's a form of expression when done right. What I don't get is how most every rap song lies within about 5 categories: Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Guns/Violence, Cars. You're about to say, "Don't most genres of music lie within those general categories?" And I answer back with, "Yeah, sure.." The kicker is that most songs have ALL FIVE CATEGORIES IN THE SAME SONG! With 10 to 15 songs on a CD, you can see why I don't understand rap music or the people who like it. It's like listening to the same vulgar song over and over but they're "different" songs. Variety people!

- Canadian's don't like Americans.. Why is that? We give them money. We don't even correct them when they say that they're "Americans" too.. Oh wait.. Ha, got that one from my mom. Here's a great story to back this one up: When my family was in Canada, we were staying on Victoria Island. Well, this American nuclear powered ship was docked there and the people who lived there were protesting this ship.. just because it was nuclear powered. I'm thinking the people didn't fully comprehend the situation before deciding to protest because if they did, they would've realized that there were about a thousand or two American Sailors on that ship with American money in their pockets, which is worth a lot more than Canadian money, ready to fuel the Canadian economy. Smart people. Another mystery of life.

-Y2K... who came up with that crap in the first place?

- Why would someone want a split level house? Who come up with this idea in the first place? It wastes alot of space that could be utilized better in a different floor plan. Explain it for me please!

- People come from Mexico but don't learn to speak English. Yeah, America is the melding pot of the world, but English is the official language of the United States. Learn it so we can all work together without the translater.

- Rice Krispies.

- Lawn Gnomes.

- Passive agressive people. I don't understand them. I don't know how to deal with them. One of life's mysteries.

-Why do you get more hotdog buns in a package then hotdogs? Or is it the other way around. Personally, I like Steve Martin's explaination in "Father of the Bride."

- Why does the water go down the drain one way in the northern hemisphere and another is the southern. Well, I know it's due to gravity.. but why do they go that specific way? Hmmm...

- How can the writers of the book "Freakonomics," claim that the reason the crime rate dropped int he early 1990's is because abortion was legalized in '73? They "back their statement up" by saying that the people who wanted an abortion were the ones who were in the worst economic position so the babies that were not born would've grown up to be criminals and since they weren't born, the crime rate dropped. How could someone even come up with crap like that?

Those are all the ones I can think of right now. More to come later no doubt. If I bashed on someone, I didn't mean to, honest. I was only stating the things that confused me. It's true. If you think of any, just let me know.Have fun with that one.